You on some Maury Povich shiz....

Unless you live under a rock, you have seen at least one episode of the brilliant, yet controversial Maury Povich Show. For those of you who haven't seen it/are living under a rock, here is a list of the common themes for the show...

• Paternity tests
• Paternity tests
• More paternity tests

This has been the non-failing formula for years. In fact I have been a fan of this hot mess for probably the same amount of years, until today when I totally became enraged while watching Mr. Connie Chung reveal all of the oh-so-scandalous results. The reason for my anger is that I realized today that someone close to me has been forced to join what I like to call The Maury Mothers Club.

The MMC is made up of women who were impregnated by their boyfriend/husband, who upon learning of the pregnancy/stumbling into the reality of responsibility turned into a simple-minded, self-centered bastard and uttered the famous line "that ain't my baby!"

These assholes usually have the intelligence of a paperweight and often spew the classic line with no evidence to back up their accusation, leaving the mother with all the responsibility. They usually do this to convince themselves that it's not true and that they won't have to give up their amazing life of accomplishing not a damn thing. The dick wads often spread rumors about the mother, ignore her phone calls, and just about anything they can do to cause the mother stress. Those are just a few examples of the everyday activities of the deadbeat baby daddy.

As clever as these bastards think they are, they always forget one tiny detail.....Paternity tests. Just when they think they've made it all disappear by lying to themselves and everyone else, Maury pops up and fucks them right in the ass with the results envelope and the legally binding statement..... "You ARE the Father!!!"

With that statement, it does seem as if justice has been served, but now that someone close to me is in this situation it just doesn't seem like enough. Yea...they will have to pay child support and will be forced to go to jail/possibly become the bitch of a 400 lb. black dude named Tootie if they refuse, but it's still not good enough.

There should be an actual punishment for denying a child that you know is yours, and causing the woman you impregnated to almost lose her damn mind.

Here are my suggestions:

• Stoning of the genitals until they resemble chewed Bubblicious bubblegum.

• Force them to have to have sexual relations with Janet Reno, which in turn will make them impotent. That's a 2-for-1 deal!

• Force them to put their wiener inside of a hot dog bun (while still attached to the body) and deliver it to Kirstie Alley's current location.

• Beat them with a red, hot fire poker.

I think these women would much rather have their justice served on a wadded up tissue or with a blazing hot fire poker searing through it.

:)